Firstly, everyone must choose their own definition for these concepts, I offer this as my perspective after a life in my own privileged head combined with the privilege of therapy I’ve had access to.
My definition of pain is that it’s a response to usually external stimulus (it can be internal especially where it impacts cognition or thought but in most situations for the majority of people based on my definition its typically a response to external stimulus). It may be caused by a stubbed toe, a disasterous work situation (controlled or uncontrolled), a disappointing relationship, a broken promise… under my definition of pain its a gap that has been created between the difference of expectation and reality and in so many situations a completely rational response (albeit sometimes unhelpful) in order togrieve or migrate those expectations.
Suffering, again in my esteem, is where the pain doesn’t subside but remains. Suffering is more than the stubbed toe it could be the ghost limb that never stops hurting. The intersection of a bad accident that haunts you everytime you pass. The relationship (or job?) that you ruminate on unable to process or understand what message or lesson should have been learned through the burn (if it takes a long time I’d say its better thought of as badd luck but a mindset is hard to change if change is possible), it could also be grief. It’s an oversimplification to say that suffering is a choice, but if suffering is a choice I have sympathy for anyone who either chooses or finds themselves stuck in a state of suffering (in my definition an inability to pass the chasm between expectation and reality).
As I previously stated I’ve had a decade in and out of therapy, there are definitely modalities of suffering that I’ve felt unable to shake over the course of my life. For example I wish I had been better able to cross the chasm of my own expectations regarding matters of romantic and social relationships and that stuckness definitely caused me suffering. It should and could have been pain but I have found myself stuck in my expectations. Everything I talk about is going to be framed in the cancer diagnosis that won’t leave my mind but I can say that receiving the diagnosis has alleviated my suffering within my depression. In some ways I’m grateful for my inability to choose a relationship, I don’t have dependents to worry about, promises to a spouse to break, or any of that kind. Sure I’m surprised and broken the promises I’ve implicitly made to my family, my parent(s), my siblings, and extended family… But I guess those promises have never felt as demanding as those we would make to our partners and children. I got a shit diagnosis, but that shit diagnosis by pure chance won’t by itself determine the lives of the people I have loved and who have been there for me the entirety of my life. I think I’d be far more impacted by my family receiving a diagnosis akin to mine than I am receiving the diagnosis personally; its much harder to try to justify someone else suffering when you can pick up the boulder yourself and carry-on as best you know how.
I’ve tried to express to my family that I’ve had a good life, even if we’re all surprised by how it ends and I hope they know it’s true. It didn’t take me long to recognise my luck whilst putting together the list of media/art I’ve enjoyed over my very cushy life working in technology. In terms of pain and suffering, I know if the doctors aren’t as successful as they hope in this treatment it will be painful for my family, we can’t avoid the stubbed toe… I just don’t want them held in suffering. It has been a fine life, and it may continue for many years (we don’t know), I just hope they stay open to the possibilities in life, adapt to the new challenges whether I’m there for them or not and continue making the best decisions they know how. It’s not about being perfect, or fixing every injustice… such a lofty expectation is too demanding to meet even if it were possible… It’s about making the most of each situation, knowing that each decision will have downsides and possibly come with pain… and that this pain will hopefully shift to the next understanding of reality.
I love my family, and if you’re reading this I might love you too, I want you all to be who you are, live as well as you can and accept the journey for what it is; random, painful, and sometimes joyful.
— LostLetterbox